I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
