nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Its about making memories worth repressing
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
