Capitaan dildo arrescate!
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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