I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
