tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
