And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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