I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
