I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
