Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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