Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
