I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
just found out that she named her cat after me.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
