I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
