How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
