i already hear my dad disowning me
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
