His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
