i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
