he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
