Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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