$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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