My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
