I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
