I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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