My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
