you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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