I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
