oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
