come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
