First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
