Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
