I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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