Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
