i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
