I'm gonna have a badass scar
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
