She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
