Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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