My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
