dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
