Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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