i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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