I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
