I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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