I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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