So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
