The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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