I just threw up on my dentist
I looked at my own cervix.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
