shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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