Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
