FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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