so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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