a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
